“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
Lesson
What You Will Learn
- Describe losses that are particular to incarceration
- Explain ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief in plain language
- Respond with compassion to grief over missed funerals, custody, and lost years
- Avoid shame, blame, and comparison when caring for grieving residents
Lesson Notes
Grief in a Strange Land
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion... How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land? (Psalm 137:1, 4). God's people grieved in exile, far from home and family. Women who are incarcerated often grieve far from the people and places they love.
Losses inside can be harder to grieve because of limited contact, limited privacy, little control over time and movement, and fear of showing emotion in front of others.
Losses Particular to Incarceration
- Death of a loved one while inside: news may arrive late, by phone or letter, and she may not be able to be with family.
- Missed funerals: she may be unable to attend, or attendance may depend on facility policy. A chaplaincy assistant never promises attendance; questions go to the chaplain or staff.
- Loss of custody or contact with children: grief over daily moments missed, and sometimes over legal decisions. Legal questions go to legal aid or an attorney.
- Lost years: birthdays, graduations, a parent's aging, her own younger years.
- Losses of role and identity: mother, daughter, worker, church member.
- Loss of relationships: friends who stop writing, partners who move on.
God promises, I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten (Joel 2:25). Restoration may not look like getting the years back, but God is not finished with her story.
Ambiguous and Unrecognized Loss
Ambiguous loss is a loss without a clear ending: a child she cannot see but who is alive, a family member who has stopped answering, a relationship that is neither over nor whole. Jacob grieved Joseph for years without knowing the truth (Genesis 37:34–35). It can be hard to grieve when there is no funeral and no clear answer.
Disenfranchised grief is grief that others do not recognize or allow, such as grief for someone others think she shouldn't miss, grief over losses tied to her own choices, or grief for a pet, a home, or a former life. Name it gently: Your grief is real, even if others don't see it.
Grace, Not Shame
Some losses are connected to a woman's own past choices. She may feel she has no right to grieve. Guilt and grief can be tangled together. A caregiver does not add shame or say You brought this on yourself. Instead, she offers presence and points to the God who is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart (Psalm 34:18) and who healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).
Do not compare losses (At least you'll be home soon). Do not ask for details about her case. If guilt becomes crushing or she talks about not wanting to live, use the Get Help Now rule.
Key Terms
| Item | Details |
|---|---|
| Ambiguous loss | A loss without a clear ending or answer, such as a living child she cannot see |
| Disenfranchised grief | Grief that others do not recognize, allow, or support |
| Lost years | Time and milestones missed during incarceration |
| Exile | Living far from home and loved ones; a biblical picture of grief (Psalm 137) |
In-Class Activities
Psalm 137 Reflection
Read Psalm 137:1–4 aloud as a class (stop at verse 4). On your paper, list the losses the exiles were grieving and three ways their experience is like grief behind the walls. Then write one sentence about what it means that God included this song in Scripture.
Naming Hidden Losses
Read the six composite situations your instructor provides (for example, Tanya's daughter turned sixteen this week and she could not call). For each, name the loss, decide whether it is ambiguous or unrecognized (or both), and write one gentle sentence a caregiver could say.
Assignment: Losses Behind the Walls Guide
Write a one-to-two-page guide for new ministry volunteers:
- List at least six losses particular to incarceration with one sentence each.
- Explain ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief in your own words with one composite example each.
- Write five things a caregiver can say and five things to avoid.
- Explain what to do with questions about funeral attendance or custody (who to refer to).
- Write out Psalm 34:18.
Graded with the Module Assignment Rubric.
Reflection Journal
Psalm 137 asks, How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land? What losses has this season brought into your life or the lives of women around you? Where have you seen God near to the brokenhearted, even here? Write only what you choose.
Prayer focus: Ask God to be near to every brokenhearted woman behind these walls, to restore what has been lost in His way and time, and to make you a gentle presence without shame.
Weekly Reading & Devotions
Songs in a Strange Land
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion. God's people wrote that song in exile, far from home, under someone else's control. How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land?
Women behind the walls know that kind of grief. A loved one dies, and the news comes late, by phone or letter. A funeral is missed. Birthdays and graduations pass. Children grow up in photographs. Some losses have no clear ending: a son who is alive but out of reach, a mother whose memory is fading, a friend who simply stopped writing. These are ambiguous losses, and they can be very hard to grieve.
Some grief also goes unrecognized. A woman may feel she has no right to grieve because of her own past choices, or others may not understand why she misses someone. A caregiver can say gently, Your grief is real. We never add shame or compare losses. We never ask about her case. And we never promise what only the chaplain or staff can arrange, like attending a funeral.
Psalm 34:18 says, The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart. Near. Not far off in the free world, but here, in this strange land. When Karen learned of her grandmother's death two weeks late, a ministry volunteer sat with her and read that verse on a card. (Karen is a composite example.) I couldn't be there, Karen said. But God was. And now you're here.
Think About It
- Which losses of incarceration have you seen or felt? ______________________
- What makes ambiguous loss so hard to carry? ______________________
- How can you offer grace without shame to a grieving woman? ______________________
Daily Devotions for Week 4
Near the Brokenhearted
The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.— Psalm 34:18 (KJV)
God draws near to broken hearts, even here.
Reflect: Where is your heart broken right now?
Pray: Lord, thank You for coming near.
Do: Write Psalm 34:18 on a card for someone who is grieving.
A Strange Land
How shall we sing the LORD's song in a strange land?— Psalm 137:4 (KJV)
Scripture gives words even for grief in exile.
Reflect: What makes it hard to sing to God in this season?
Pray: Lord, teach me Your song in a strange land.
Do: Sing or read a hymn or psalm quietly today.
The Years Restored
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.— Joel 2:25 (KJV)
God is not finished with any woman's story, even after lost years.
Reflect: What years do you grieve?
Pray: Lord, restore what has been lost in Your way and time.
Do: Write one hope for the years ahead.
Remembered
Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.— Hebrews 13:3 (KJV)
God calls His people to remember those in bonds. You are remembered.
Reflect: Whom can you remember in prayer today?
Pray: Lord, help me remember others as You remember me.
Do: Pray for three women by name today.
Groaning Heard
For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth; To hear the groaning of the prisoner.— Psalm 102:19–20 (KJV)
God hears the groaning of prisoners. No sorrow here is unheard.
Reflect: What groaning do you want God to hear?
Pray: Lord, hear my groaning and the groaning of those around me.
Do: Bring one unspoken sorrow to God in prayer.
Module Quiz
- 1.
A woman's son is alive but she has had no contact with him for two years. This is an example of:
- 2.
A resident asks if she can attend her grandmother's funeral. A chaplaincy assistant should:
- 3.
Which response adds shame?
- 4.
Grief connected to someone's own past choices is still real grief and deserves compassion.
- 5.
Name four losses particular to incarceration.