“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.” — Proverbs 20:5
Lesson
What You Will Learn
- Distinguish open from closed questions and use each well
- Replace “why” questions with gentler “what” and “how” questions
- Avoid leading, stacked, and interrogating questions
- Learn from the questions Jesus asked
Lesson Notes
Drawing Out Deep Water
Proverbs 20:5 says the counsel in a person's heart is like deep water and a person of understanding draws it out. Good questions are the bucket. They help a woman put her own thoughts into words, often discovering what she already knows.
A question is an invitation, not a demand. She is always free to answer briefly, change direction, or not answer.
Open and Closed Questions
Closed questions can be answered in a word: Did you sleep? Is your court date Tuesday? They are useful for facts and for checking understanding.
Open questions invite her to say more: What has this week been like for you? How are you feeling about the transfer? What matters most to you in this?
Helpful openers: What…, How…, Tell me about…, What was that like…, What would help….
Questions to Use Carefully
- Why questions (Why did you do that?) can sound like blame. Try What led up to that? or What were you hoping for?
- Leading questions push your answer: Don't you think you should forgive her?
- Stacked questions pile up: How do you feel, and what did your mom say, and are you going to call? Ask one, then wait.
- Curiosity questions satisfy your interest, not her need: What exactly happened? Who was it? Never dig for details she has not offered.
Learning From Jesus' Questions
Jesus often asked rather than told. To two sad travelers: What manner of communications are these…? (Luke 24:17). To a blind man whose need seemed obvious: What wilt thou that I should do unto thee? (Mark 10:51). To a man ill for a long time: Wilt thou be made whole? (John 5:6).
His questions honored people's dignity and let them name their own desires. A caring listener asks what the person wants rather than assuming.
Key Terms
| Item | Details |
|---|---|
| Open question | A question that invites more than a one-word answer |
| Closed question | A question answered with yes, no, or a fact |
| Leading question | A question that steers toward the asker's preferred answer |
| Stacked questions | Several questions asked at once |
In-Class Activities
Question Makeover
Rewrite each as an open, gentle question:
- “Why did you quit the program?”
- “Are you upset?”
- “Don't you think you should call your mother?”
- “Did the visit go okay, and is your son doing better, and when is the next one?”
- “What exactly did he do to you?”
Question Triad
Speaker uses a scenario card. Listener uses mostly open questions, one at a time, with attending skills from Module 2.
Observer tallies: open questions, closed questions, why questions, leading questions, stacked questions, and any digging for details. Observer also notes the Speaker's best moment of insight. Rotate.
Assignment: Twenty Good Questions
Write a personal bank of 20 open questions you can use in caring conversations:
- Five for starting a conversation.
- Five for understanding feelings.
- Five for exploring what matters to her or what she wants.
- Five for gently moving toward next steps.
Mark two closed questions you might use to check understanding.
Graded with the Module Assignment Rubric.
Reflection Journal
Jesus asked a blind man, “What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?” even though the need seemed obvious. When have others assumed they knew what you needed? What would you want someone to ask you?
Prayer focus: Ask God for wisdom to ask questions that draw out the deep water in others' hearts.
Weekly Reading & Devotions
Drawing Out Deep Water
Proverbs 20:5 pictures a person's heart as a deep well. The water is there, but it takes a patient hand to draw it up. Good questions are like a bucket lowered gently.
Open questions invite a woman to explore: What has that been like for you? What matters most to you here? Closed questions are useful for facts, but too many make a conversation feel like a form being filled out.
Be careful with “why.” Many women have been questioned in ways that felt like accusation. What led up to that? opens a door that Why did you do that? can slam shut. And never dig for details of painful events. A question is an invitation, never a demand.
Jesus asked questions even when He knew the answers. He asked a blind man what he wanted. He asked a man who had been ill for years whether he wanted to be made whole. His questions gave people dignity and let them name their own hopes.
Think About It
- What kind of question makes you feel defensive? ______________________
- What question do you wish someone would ask you? ______________________
- Which open question will you practice this week? ______________________
Daily Devotions for Week 3
Deep Water
Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.— Proverbs 20:5 (KJV)
Wisdom is often already in a person's heart. Good questions help it surface.
Reflect: What wisdom has God placed in you?
Pray: Lord, give me understanding to draw out what is deep.
Do: Ask one open question and wait patiently for the answer.
What Wilt Thou?
And Jesus answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee? The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive my sight.— Mark 10:51 (KJV)
Jesus asked instead of assuming. He let the man name his need.
Reflect: What would you say if Jesus asked you this today?
Pray: Lord, help me ask before I assume.
Do: Ask someone, “What would be most helpful to you?”
Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?
When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?— John 5:6 (KJV)
Jesus invited the man's own desire and choice.
Reflect: Where do you long to be made whole?
Pray: Lord, make me whole, and help me honor others' choices.
Do: Notice where you are tempted to decide for others.
As You Walk
And he said unto them, What manner of communications are these that ye have one to another, as ye walk, and are sad?— Luke 24:17 (KJV)
Jesus noticed their sadness and invited their story.
Reflect: Who around you seems sad?
Pray: Lord, help me notice and ask.
Do: Ask a sad-looking friend what has been on her mind.
Where Art Thou?
And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?— Genesis 3:9 (KJV)
God's first question after the fall was an invitation to come out of hiding.
Reflect: Where are you right now with God?
Pray: Lord, I come out of hiding to You.
Do: Answer God's question honestly in your journal.
Module Quiz
- 1.
Which is an open question?
- 2.
A gentler replacement for “Why did you do that?” is:
- 3.
“Don't you think you should forgive her?” is an example of a:
- 4.
A lay helper should ask for specific details of a painful event so she can help better.
- 5.
Name one question Jesus asked and what it shows about caring conversations.