When Things Go Wrong, and Ending Well

What You Will Learn

• Recognize and respond to dependency, manipulation, relapse, and disagreement
• Know when to involve a coordinator, pastor, or chaplain
• End or transition a mentoring relationship with grace
• Perform a role-played mentoring conversation and present a final project

Lesson Notes

Dependency and Manipulation

Dependency happens when a mentee relies on her mentor for things she can do herself, or for needs only God, a church family, or professionals can meet. Signs: constant calls, panic when the mentor is unavailable, no other supports. Response: gently point her to other people and to God, keep your agreed schedule, and celebrate her steps of independence. John the Baptist said, He must increase, but I must decrease (John 3:30). A mentor's goal is to be needed less.

Manipulation is trying to control someone through guilt, flattery, pressure, or half-truths: You're the only one who understands me, or If you really cared, you'd lend me the money. Jesus told His disciples to be wise as serpents, and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). Response: stay kind, stay clear, keep your boundaries, and talk with your coordinator. It is often a survival habit; respond with grace, but do not give in.

Relapse and Disagreement

Relapse (returning to drugs, alcohol, or other old patterns) is not the end of her story. For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again (Proverbs 24:16). Respond without shame: I'm glad you told me. What do you need right now? Who can we call? Encourage her to reach her sponsor, treatment program, or case manager; call 911 for any medical danger. Follow your program's reporting rules, and never cover for a supervision violation.

Disagreement happens. Paul and Barnabas had a contention so sharp that they parted (Acts 15:39), yet later Paul wrote, Take Mark, and bring him with thee: for he is profitable to me for the ministry (2 Timothy 4:11). Go to her directly and privately first (Matthew 18:15), listen, own your part, and seek peace: If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). Bring in your coordinator or pastor if you cannot resolve it.

Ending and Transitioning Well

To every thing there is a season (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Mentoring relationships are meant to change. Healthy reasons to end or transition include a completed season, her readiness to mentor others (Send Out), a better-fitting mentor, a move or program rule, or an unhealthy relationship.

Steps for ending well:

1. Talk with your coordinator or pastor first if anything is hard or unsafe.

2. Have a closing conversation if possible. Be honest and kind.

3. Look back: name the growth you have seen and what God has done.

4. Look ahead: help her name her supports: church, small group, another mentor, sponsor, case manager.

5. Bless her: pray, and if appropriate, give a written note of encouragement.

Paul's farewell to the Ephesian elders ended with prayer and commending them to God, and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up (Acts 20:32, 36). If she ends it, accept her choice graciously. If the relationship must end for safety reasons, follow your coordinator's guidance.

Sent Out

The goal of every mentoring relationship is Send Out: a woman standing on her own feet in Christ, connected to a church family, and ready to teach others also (2 Timothy 2:2).

Your final project brings this course together: your mentoring covenant template, your six-meeting plan for Keisha, and your role-played conversation with self-evaluation. CMD 273 and CMD 274 will build on it. Remember: be with her, build her up, send her out; keep boundaries; refer out; and never carry danger alone.

Key Terms

In-Class Activities

Closing Conversation Plan

Write a plan for a closing conversation with the composite mentee Keisha at the end of six months. Include: what you will say to open, two kinds of growth you might name, the supports you will help her list, a verse of blessing, and a short closing prayer. This may be completed at home if time runs short.

When Things Go Wrong: Case Studies

In small groups, read four composite case studies (dependency, manipulation, relapse, disagreement). For each, write: what is happening, what a healthy mentor says, what boundary or referral is needed, and whether the coordinator or pastor should be involved.

Assignment: Final Project Submission

Submit your Mentoring Covenant Template, your Six-Meeting Mentoring Plan, and your Role-Play Conversation with Self-Evaluation, plus a short reflection (see the Final Project section).

Graded with the Final Project Rubric.

Reflection Journal

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says there is a season for everything. Think of a relationship that ended well and one that did not. What made the difference? How do you hope your mentees will remember you?

Prayer focus: Thank God for every person He has used to build you up, and ask Him to help you mentor with wisdom, end with grace, and send others out to teach others also.

A Season for Everything

Not every mentoring relationship runs smoothly. A mentee may lean on you too much, try to pressure you with guilt or flattery, relapse, or disagree with you. None of these has to be the end. Stay kind, stay clear, keep your boundaries, and bring in your coordinator or pastor.

When relapse happens, respond without shame: I'm glad you told me. What do you need right now? Who can we call? Point her to her sponsor, program, or case manager, and call 911 for any medical danger. Never cover for a supervision violation. A just woman falls seven times and rises up again.

Paul and Barnabas once parted over a sharp disagreement about Mark. Years later Paul asked for Mark by name, saying he was profitable for the ministry. Relationships can be mended, and people can grow.

Every mentoring relationship has a season. Ending well means a closing conversation when possible, naming the growth you've seen, helping her list her supports, and blessing her. The goal was always Send Out: a woman standing in Christ, connected to His people, ready to teach others also.

Think About It

1. Which challenge (dependency, manipulation, relapse, or disagreement) would be hardest for you? ______________________
2. How do you want a mentee to remember you? ______________________
3. What does John 3:30 mean for a mentor? ______________________

Daily Devotions for Week 8

A Season

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:— Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV)

Relationships change, and that is not failure.

Reflect: What season are you in right now?

Pray: Lord, help me accept each season with grace.

Do: Thank God for one relationship from a past season.

I Must Decrease

He must increase, but I must decrease.— John 3:30 (KJV)

A mentor's joy is to be needed less as Jesus becomes more.

Reflect: Where are you tempted to be needed too much?

Pray: Lord, increase in me and in those I serve.

Do: Point someone to Jesus instead of to yourself.

Rise Again

For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again:— Proverbs 24:16 (KJV)

Falling is not the end of the story. Getting up is grace.

Reflect: Where do you need to rise again?

Pray: Lord, lift me up when I fall.

Do: Encourage someone who has stumbled.

Wise and Harmless

Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.— Matthew 10:16 (KJV)

Kindness and wisdom go together. We can be gentle and still not give in to pressure.

Reflect: Where do you need more wisdom in your kindness?

Pray: Lord, make me wise and gentle.

Do: Notice one time you feel pressured, and pause to pray before answering.

Commended to God

And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up, and to give you an inheritance among all them which are sanctified.— Acts 20:32 (KJV)

Paul ended by entrusting his friends to God and His Word.

Reflect: Whom do you need to entrust to God?

Pray: Lord, I commend those I love to You.

Do: Write a short blessing for someone you have walked with.